If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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