i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
