My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
