Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
