I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
