I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
