I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
