tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
