I love black thongs
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
