census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
