Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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