i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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