don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Randomize
