There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
We named our party play list daddy issues
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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