If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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