how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
