and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize