thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
My feet surprised me
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