I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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