did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
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When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
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we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize