and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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