If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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