am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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