She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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