I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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