i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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