I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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