oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
