so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
