I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
