Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
