she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
