I just cut my nipple shaving
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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