In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
