I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
