I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize