remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
