Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
