Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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