hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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