so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
