She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
