I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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