i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
