the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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