Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
