I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
