no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
