I just threw up on my dentist
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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