My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
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I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
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I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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