Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
