I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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