If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
