i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
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She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
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The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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