you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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