apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Sorry my hands just texted you
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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