Don't make out with my wife yet
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
