Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
