See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
