my sisters under your porch take her home
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
