Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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